Sunday, April 01, 2012

Thoughts from today

We've had a fairly good weekend here...but i just wanted to capture a couple of thoughts from today.

I think one of the most challenging parts about motherhood is what works one day won't work the next necessarily. Logan has been a champ at naps this week - always getting one long nap in the afternoon and going down with relative ease.  Today - not so much.  So, then I second guess myself - did I have too much coffee this morning?  Did I not swaddle him right?  Am I not rocking him long enough?  Same thing with last night - he was great until about 1:30 am and then was up every 2-2.5 hours after that point.  So much for my 2 wake-up a night baby (and my run this morning).

And, as the days progress, the gains aren't always sequential.  Somehow, I expected once Logan was on a two  wake-up a night routine - it would stick.  yeah, yeah - I read that kids take steps forward and back.  But - eh, I figured that it would be different. So not the case.

I got about an hour and a half respite this morning when I went to costco and Joe had the lead.  It was nice and relaxing.  It's amazing how much more stuff I can fit in the cart when there's no carseat in there.

Logan brings me immense joy.  Joe and I were at a winery yesterday with him (another post!) and we were waiting for friends in the lobby.  L was just sitting in his carseat, smiling with his whole face (big grin, eyes kind of shut) and Joe asked him if he was trying to be any more adorable than he already was.  It was awesome.  And when he's sitting there cooing with us - way cool.

But I feel like motherhood is still trying to fit into who I am and I'm trying to figure out how to do everything (well, not really, but trying to get through the days without screwing up too badly).  I'm looking forward to going back to work in 3 weeks.  Will I miss spending all this amazing time with Logan?  Absolutely. Will I probably cry when I drop him off at day care?  Most likely (I'd put the odds of this near 100% since almost anything makes me cry!). But, I've been working for almost 13 years - that's a huge part of my life and identity too. I never wanted to stay home full-time with a little one...it's just not my choice and preference.   I have never felt that the end all / be all to who I am is motherhood.  Joe and I spent a lot of time talking while I was pregnant about how we wanted our lives to continue with the baby (and child, teenager, etc).  And, he's a huge part of our lives (and will continue to be) - it's just figuring this whole thing out still.

Well, duty calls!  More on our great weekend later.

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